I received a text message from an ex-lover (The 2009 one). I don’t know where he got my number but I firmly believe that he got it from Facebook. I forgot to remove my phone number there.

“Hey, how are you? I heard sa UST ka na nag-aaral ah. Saang program ka nag-enroll? Goodluck ha.”, he said.

“Hey, it’s been a while! Kamusta? Yes, sa UST ako nag-aaral, BS ECE ako.” I replied, actually I thought of not responding just to avoid some awkward conversation.

The conversation went for hours, talking about everything that has happened after we stopped talking to each other. It was not a bitter goodbye, we didn’t fight and definitely nobody was involved. There’s no official closure to it. We just stopped talking to each other, actually I am the one who initiated the coldness that led to a “freezing point”. 

“Namiss kita. Naalala mo pa ba ‘yung mga gabi na wala akong ginawa kung hindi kumanta over the phone kahit tinatawanan mo ako? Uhm… ikaw lang nakapagpagawa sa akin noon. Grabe ka. Ano bang nangyari?”

I hate confrontations. I really do. I don’t know what to say. I want to say “Eh hindi na kasi kita gusto kaya ganun.” but that’s a rude and stupid answer. Instead, I just said “Ewan ko din. Ano nga ba?”

“Ang huli kong natatandaan may tinext ako, tapos after noon hindi ka na nagparamdam. Tapos, wala na. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung masama ba ‘yung nasabi ko.”

I can’t remember that text message. But I know he said something, he asked something that made me so confused. I am not ready and I don’t want to complicate things that time so I just left him out of the blue. He wants to see me, just to catch up. But I said “NO”, I don’t even know why.

I don’t like him anymore, I’m done with things like this. I’m tired of pushing people away. And I realize, I do this a lot. Because I’m afraid of the pain I can get if I risk something.

This is so disturbing. I hope he’s okay, though. He’s still special to me.